


scared of my own image

by donotforgetme24601



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-10
Updated: 2015-06-10
Packaged: 2018-04-03 17:36:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4109311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donotforgetme24601/pseuds/donotforgetme24601
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They are both too old to be surprised.</p>
            </blockquote>





	scared of my own image

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sunflashes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflashes/gifts).



Katya’s good at laughing and so is Trixie. They are both good at wearing red when they’re bleeding. They both stuffed old socks and worn out rags down to fill the parts doubt ate away. Katya is more cloth than bone, these days. People like them can sniff each other out. They find themselves in the same room, in the same bed, and it’s not a surprise. They are both too old to be surprised. 

The cameras are off here but it doesn’t feel like they are. They know they will cut and splice this memory and title it connection.mov. Their kisses are drag jewels, just hard enough to chip your teeth on, just real enough that you can pretend. It’s love and it’s not. They are so lonely. They are so alone. This should’ve changed that, but it didn’t. It’s not enough but it’s enough that they can’t stand to leave it. They lipsync moans. If Ru could see them now, they’d never be accused of being bad actors again. And is it really fake if they need each other? If they can’t let go? It’s habit, it’s mechanic. Katya’s addicted to anxiety; maybe he’s addicted to this, too, to having someone, anyone, who will listen to him eating himself alive. He always had that sort of personality. Always had something grinding at the back of his teeth, something manic under his eyes. Well, that’s what concealer is for, isn’t it. They’re reading through this script like Ru handed it to them days ago. Now kiss here, now suck here, now chew me up, now turn away. Give face, give face, and turn off the lights when you can’t anymore. The light through the hotel window makes them look beautiful and pallid. Sick, sickening. 

This thing, whatever it is, is half love, half pageantry, an Arnold Palmer made with over-brewed tea. At this point, they can’t tell the difference between tannins and arsenic.   
The truth’s under Trixie’s tongue like a cough drop but he never had the loud-mouthed candor Kennedy does. They both learn that choking lonely tastes like menthol. Katya switches to smoking cloves. Trixie switches to lemon-mint Ricola. They both note the change but don’t comment and there’s not a greeting card for “I love you because I’m empty, please don’t leave”. 

Fame sees, of course, he’s like a chicken in a rainstorm for this, not enough sense to stare at the ground, drowning standing up with a mouthful of empathy. He goes in with the Concerned Eyes and Parted Lips and Trixie dodges with “shut up, fame” and ducks under a flash of hurt. He didn’t do a split when he lipsynced but he’s nimble enough for this. For this, at least. 

He doesn’t have to dodge long. Trixie goes home again. Katya paints himself bruiseless and just like that it’s over.

**Author's Note:**

> i don't own anything in this world, least of all rpdr. the title is from "doubt" by twenty one pilots.


End file.
